Monday, November 06, 2006


At approximately 5:10 pm, yesterday afternoon, one of the prisoners from the Riverdale Lockdown escaped. After a 20 minute search, the escapee was located by one of the guards and was lured back into the prison with food.

The escapee, known to the public only as “Mackerel” has been held in prison for the past 5 years. At 6 months of age he was committed to a full life sentence on charges of being too damn cute. Yesterday was the second escape attempt by this particular prisoner. The first occurred on September 8, 2006 and lasted a mere 45 seconds.

There has been a “no comment” statement issued from the guards at the prison. Their lawyers had been working quickly to assemble a request for a publicity ban on the issue. Fortunately, their request was denied.

Evidence collected by this reporter suggests that there was quite a bit of movement inside and outside of the prison yesterday, mainly by the female guard. A witness told reporters that the male guard left the jail for a nearby Laundromat at approximately 5:05, yesterday, followed by the female guard only 2 minutes later. Evidence seems to indicate that earlier activity, in and out of the prison, resulted in the back door being left open (purportedly by the female guard) and unattended by either guard who were attending to household chores. The state is declining to press negligence charges at this time.

Incidentally, upon returning to the prison and realizing the error, the female guard sounded the alarm and proceeded to extensively search within the prison for Mackerel, who she thought may be hiding. Initial attempts at luring the prisoner with treats failed (said largesse incidentally delighting mackerel's fellow prisoner, thus confirming Mackerel's escape by his non-appearance. Let me remind you that to date, this standard operating procedure has never failed in locating a prisoner from within the confines of the jail. The search continued outside on the grounds and in the surrounding area while treat bags were shaken and the standard call to the prisoner “mengowww” was made. It was this last call that identified the location of the escapee during his first escape attempt.

Fortunately, the prisoner made the mistake of returning to the prison grounds, most likely in an attempt to free his fellow convict. The guards made contact immediately and tricked the prisoner into returning by pouring his favorite kibble into his bowl. Mackerel has never been proved capable of running away from food.

The escapee spent the rest of the day recovering from the incident by eating twice as much kibble as usual and by sleeping in his preferred bed. Punishment for the escape has not been disclosed to reporters but will likely consist of some strongly worded lectures by the guards. A local prisoner's rights organization has suggested that they will be keeping a close eye on the prison and advocate that regular walks on leashes have reduced escape attempts at other prisons by 50%.

If anyone has any further information in regards to this crime or evidence to support potential future escape attempts, the guards should be notified immediately.

1 comment:

Kern said...

You had me right up until "lured back into the prison with food."

Which, admittedly, is the second sentence. But it felt like you had me going for a long time. :)